EMERGENCY CONKER BOXES

Berkshire pensioner Tony Hill has begun installing Emergency Conker Boxes in his town after an embarrassing encounter with a local gang.

Mr Hill was walking home after an evening of drinking at the local pub when he came across a group of local youths playing conkers on a street corner. Far from being intimidated, Mr Hill strode towards the group, despite jeers of “We don’t play with low-hanging nuts, old man” and “Keep walking, you codger”. As he approached, Mr Hill reached into his jacket pocket, where he normally keeps a stringed conker ready, and found to his horror that it was missing.

“I just don’t understand it,” said Mr Hill. “I always have a pocket full of conkers. I play with the nuts as I walk.”

On reaching the now excitable youths, Mr Hill had to lower his head and leave. “I have never been so embarrassed in my life,” he said. “I walked home feeling like a coward.”

A former engineer, Mr Hill went straight to his tool shed and began building a prototype Emergency Conker Box (ECB). “I never want to be in that situation again. I believe that there should be a conker within reach of anyone in need.”

Mr Hill explained that, with ECBs installed across the country, whenever a spontaneous conker match breaks out, a standard nut, knot and lace set-up can be reached simply by breaking the glass. He has sought investment from local businesses to fund a wider roll-out, but no deal has yet been agreed. There are currently two active ECBs, both funded by Mr Hill himself, and so far neither has needed to be opened.

If you are in a position to provide funding, please get in touch so that Mr Hill can begin the national roll-out.