The 2024 Olympics Snub: Why Conkers Got Left Out in the Cold

As the world prepares for the 2024 Olympics, a wide range of sports are set to take centre stage, among them surfing, skateboarding and breakdancing. One omission from the programme has left many in Britain, and a number of former schoolyard competitors, in disbelief: conkers. The sport of swinging a horse chestnut on a string has been left out. The reasons are set out below.

1. The IOC could not handle the intensity

The International Olympic Committee (IOC) is accustomed to high-stakes sport: sprinting, swimming, synchronised swimming. It was not prepared for the intensity of conkers. The tension of a perfectly timed strike, the moment two conkers collide, and the unpredictability of a conker shattering into pieces proved too much for the committee.

Reportedly, after witnessing a particularly brutal bout in a Peckham alley, committee members needed a week to recover. “It’s more dangerous than luge,” one anonymous member was overheard saying, while clutching a stress ball.

2. The controversies were too much

Conkers has a long history of controversy that the Olympics could not ignore: players baking their conkers, soaking them in vinegar, or even coating them in nail varnish to gain an unfair advantage.

The IOC, already dealing with doping scandals and equipment tampering in other sports, decided that adding conker inspection to its duties was a step too far. “We’ve seen enough urine samples; we’re not about to start testing for vinegar,” one official declared, and conkers was removed from the list.

3. Too many broken glasses

Conkers carries risk for spectators as well as players. The potential for flying debris during a high-stakes match is considerable. After a trial match in the IOC’s boardroom resulted in three broken glasses, one shattered window and a frightened potted plant, the committee decided that the risk to spectators was too high.

There was also concern that the Olympic Village insurance policy would not cover “nut-related accidents”.

4. The scoring system confused the delegates

Conkers was thought to be a simple game. The IOC found the scoring system more complex than expected. Should officials count the number of hits, the speed of the swing, or the number of conkers shattered? And is it a victory if the winning conker does not survive the final strike?

Explaining this to a room of international delegates proved difficult. After 40 minutes of heated debate, in which one delegate may have thrown a conker in frustration, the committee concluded that conkers was too complicated for the Olympics.

5. No sponsorship deals

Every Olympic sport needs sponsorship, and conkers struggled to attract major brands. Nike was not interested in producing conker gloves, Adidas declined to make conker strings, and Gatorade could not find a way to market a drink that would enhance conker performance.

The only potential sponsor, a maker of chestnut-flavoured snacks, withdrew on realising that the sport involved smashing its product to pieces. Without the backing of major brands, the IOC could not justify including conkers, leaving the sport to the schoolyards and parks of Britain.

6. It was not photogenic enough

The Olympics is as much about spectacle as sport. When the IOC concluded that conkers lacked the visual appeal of gymnastics or beach volleyball, the decision was all but made.

Conkers is thrilling in person, but capturing the drama on camera proved difficult. “You can only do so much with a slow-motion shot of a chestnut exploding,” said one Olympic videographer, who was later seen applying for a job in archery, where the arrows at least stay in one piece.

The verdict

Despite a determined effort by conker enthusiasts, the sport was officially left out of the 2024 Olympics. There is still hope. In 2028, Los Angeles may embrace conkers and give the world what it needs: an Olympic conker champion.

Until then, keep swinging in the back garden. Every strike brings the sport one step closer to Olympic recognition, once a way has been found to keep the glassware intact.

Disclaimer: this post is for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real events, people or Olympic decisions is coincidental.